Twilight the Movie SPOOFED
by FullMetal Alchemistress
Summary: A parody of that THING they call the "Twilight Movie" I call it "crap" Go ahead, flames are welcomed and needed. FYI: I loathed the movie...so of course, there'll be spoilers. M for language later on. We're giving out crack to readers!
1. Scenes 01 to 05

**Yes. I hated the "movie" so much, I had to make a parody. I've already written "Twilight the Movie: 25 Reasons Why it SUCKED", so why not a parody?**

**Go ahead and flame me and try to convince me that the movie was the greatest thing under the sun since sliced bread. But just remember this: I DON'T CARE! The movie sucked. End of sentence.**

**I tried to remember all of the movie the best I could, so bare with me on that.**

**ON WITH THE STORY!**

**-x-x-x-x-**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the movie (thank the lord) because I would not want angry fangirls hunting me down.**

**-x-x-x-x-**

**Scene 1:**

The camera shakes violently around the view of a deer and the viewer feels like they might just spit back up their skittles. The deer perks up and runs away, just to be attacked by a mysterious person in jeans. The camera shakes some more.

**Camera Guy:** (whispers) Ahhh! Run everybody! It's an earthquake! Ahhh!

**Director:** Jim!

Camera Guy looks up sheepishly, but stops.

**Bella: **(Insert boring monologue. Some about being self-sacrificial…blah blah blah…Bella picks up cactus to take with her. Aww!)

**Phil: **Yo! Gech'yo ass in da ca' foo!

**END SCENE**

-x-x-x-x-

**Scene 2:**

Bella is in the car with Charlie. Bella looks like all connections with her brain are failing and Charlie looks like he's gunna score later on…

**Charlie: **Don't have sex, okay?

**Bella: **(looks over at him, pulled out of her thoughts) Wah?

**Charlie: **Don't have sex. Never. _Ever_.

**Bella: **Okay.

They arrive at the house and Charlie stalks Bella up the stairs. She stops in her room, looking around, hugging her cactus.

**Charlie: **The nice saleslady picked out the bedding. Hope you like purple—it was clearance and I can't return it.

**Bella: **(pulled out of "thoughts") Wah? Oh, yeah, cool.

Bella is clearly thinking "Crap…purple…makes me wanna puke…"

**Charlie: **And there's only one bathroom…

**Bella: **Oh…

Bella is definitely thinking, "XXXX!! Now where am I gunna hide my crack?...Hmm...sock drawer...no, panties..."

Charlie is suddenly gone and Bella thinks, "Crap, he wandered off again…"

A horn honks outside and Bella goes to inspect.

**Charlie: **You remember Billy and Jacob, donchya?

**Bella: **Yeah.

**Billy: **IMMA RUN YOU DOWN WITH MEH WHEELCHAIR BOY!

Bill proceeds to chase Charlie with his wheelchair while Jacob says something about mud pies…yummo, as Rachel Ray would say. Haha, that rhymed.

**Bella:** (fangirl scream) Is this for me?!

Bella walks over to truck and tries to open the driver door, bashing Jacob in the knees in the process. Jacob falls to the ground and twitches.

**Billy: **Get up! Only I'm allowed to kill you! That way I won't have to sue who ever killed 'ya and pay for a lawyer!

**Bella: **Hows it work?

**Billy: **Double pump the clutch.

**Bella: **Gotchya

Jacob is finally able to stand, bending over and rubbing his swollen knees. Bella exits the car and the door connects with Jacob's head, sending him flying to the ground again.

**END SCENE**

**Scene 3**

Bella pulls up into an empty space in her truck. She gets out and heads for the school.

**Tyler: **Nice ass!

**Director: **CUT! No, no, no, Tyler! The line is something about a ride. Say it again….ACTION!

**Tyler: **I wanna ride that nice ass!

Tyler looks at the director and winks.

**Bella: **Thanks…?

Suddenly, papers fall from the sky and Bella heads…somewhere. I'm not exactly sure. These movie people never tell me anything anymore. Not after the _last _time….

**END SCENE**

**Scene 4**

Bella heads for lunch with Mike, who offers a chair to her. She begins to sit down when Tyler comes over and kisses her, then takes Mikes chair and heads for the empty closet at the end of the hall where him and his friends are playing a card tower game with chairs.

**Jessica: **(laughs) Sometimes you think they're still seventeen.

**Bella: **What? (grins) Who are they?

**Jessica: **(loudly as they walk two feet behind her) Oh, the blond hooker is Rosalie, she's currently doing Emmett, though I've seen her with Jasper behind his back…The short one is Alice—she's really weird. She's with Jasper, the one who looks like he's overly constipated.

Alice and Jasper walk by and Jasper is thinking, "Okay, wearing three pairs of underwear does NOT make one feel more manly!—MAJOR WEDGIE!!"

**Bella: **(drools all over the table) Who is he?

Edward walks in looking like he just ran over his dog.

**Jessica: **That's Edward. He doesn't date. The others do….though I'm not sure how that's legal…

**Random Lunch Eater-er: **They aren't blood related…

Edward grimaces at Bella, a quick, meaningless exchange.

**END SCENE**

**Scene 5**

Bella enters Biology passing by a fan. Wait, why the hell do they have a fan on in the class room? I know it's March, but here—flips a couple of pages in the newly aquired script—it's icy out? What the hell!

**Director: **Just shut up and do your job…

Okay…Bella passes by a fan and time slows, making her look like a Victoria's Secret model from an Axe commercial…

**Mr. Molina: **Here's your book. Oh, and if anyone calls me Mr. Banner, no, I changed my name for some cultural diversity in this school.

**Bella: **Okay…

Bella turns toward the desk that Mr. Molina told her to sit at and sees Edward covering his face looking like he was either about to puke on every student or the dude sitting in front of him needed some Beano…

Bella sits and conspicuously sniffs her hair, groping it in the process.

A close up reveals that no, Edward is not wearing contacts, but that he needs some Clearasil…badly…The rest of class is silent and, as if he had some magical powers or something, Edward jumps out of his seat and leaves a split second before the bell.

**END SCENE**

-x-x-x-x-

**Yeah, so if ya wanna flame, go ahead. They'll be used later in the story. Scenes 6-10 should be out later. Hope ya liked…actually, I don't care if you didn't XD…**


	2. Scenes 06 to 10

**Here's the next bit. I'm surprised by how many of the details I remember…considering there barely was any…**

**Anyways, I'd like to respond to a flame I got because I burst out laughing at it.**

From: Bella-Edward-OBSESSION

Bitch  
You asked 4 falme!  
Didnt even read it! thought id let u know that im in uk at moment and youve sin the mvoie and compalining about it and i havnt even sin the thing! Twilight twilight twilight twilight twilight i can go on and on and on twilight twilight twilight!poo u!

**Dear Bella-Edward-OBSESSION,**

"**You asked 4falme"? No, I believe I "encouraged" FLAMES. And as for you being in the UK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I just happen to live on the same continent and in the same country as the author. I'm also terribly sorry that I didn't like the movie. What would you like ME to do about it? Move? Decide that the movie was excellent? Nuh uh. You couldn't pay me. Throught your whole "flame", I was actually surprised to see that you could spell "Twilight" correctly. I mean, you spelled "seen" wrong multiple times. Even movie.**

**Word to the wise: if you don't want me to laugh hystericly in the middle of the library at your attempted flame—use a spell checker. I can't even use this one for my plans—it would take too long to correct XD.**

**Anyways…**

**-x-x-x-x-**

**Disclaimer: I don't own/claim Twilight, I just happened to have been tortured with it.**

**-x-x-x-x-**

**Scene 6**

We begin this scene as Bella steps into the front office for reason's unknown.

**Edward: **So what you're saying is, there are no other classes available during that hour?!

**Receptionist: **(Sighs)__Yes, that is what I'm saying for the eleventh time!

Edward glances over from his awkward position hovering over the receptionist and sees Bella standing there.

**Edward: **Fine, I'll just have to deal. (Cue dramatic exit)

**Bella: **Jeez…what crawled up his ass and died?

**Receptionist: **I dunno…but whatever it is, it's sideways…

Bella stares off into the distance, then, not knowing what else to do, she leaves. Wait. Come, _on_! Why did she go to the office in the first place?! To change classes, like Edward? Or to return the slip that mysteriously fell from the air in the beginning, like in the book?!

**Director: **(pulls out switchblade) What have I told you about questioning me…?

**END SCENE**

**Scene 7**

We start this particular scene with many different instances of Bella driving. Where? Who knows? I wasn't informed. But she's driving. And again…okay, still driving…

**Bella: **Edward no come. Edward not found. Gone, many moons.

Umm…okay. So Bella is…um….did someone forget to feed her again?!

**Random Guy: **SORRY!

**Director: **(Switch blade appears)

**END SCENE**

**Scene 8**

Bella enters and sees Edward present. This time, running through Bella's mind is not elevator music, but a song. A song that goes, "The boys are back in town! The boys are back in toooowwwn." Bella looks angry, storms over to her desk and flops down, still angry. To the viewer, it may look like Bella was a girl who's pissed because after giving her boyfriend what he wanted (wink wink) he never calls again. Edward looks like that guy. Oops, did part of that just give away Breaking Dawn? My bad…

**Edward: **I apologize for not introducing myself last week. I was (shifty eyes) preoccupied.

Bella notices how his eyes have changed. Actually, the close up reveals that the eye color change is really, really unnoticeable, but being a 35 million-low budget movie, they have to pretend that the change is significant. At least he got some Clearasil.

**Edward: **I'm…I'm…

**Director: **EDWARD CULLEN!

**Edward: **Right. I'm Edward Cullen. You're Bella Swan.

**Bella: **Very good, Edward! (Claps hands and pats Edward's head.)

**Edward:** Rainy out today, huh?

**Bella: **You askin' me 'bout the weather?

**Edward: **No, I'm asking your shoe size.

**Bella: **What?

**Edward: **You're mother.

**Bella: **Huh?

**Mr. Molina: **FIRST ONE DONE GETS A GOLDEN ONION! WHOOOOO!

**Edward: **It's raining.

**Bella: **No dip. I hate it.

**Edward: **Why'd you move here then?

**Bella: **It's complicated.

**Edward: **I'll try really hard to keep up! Please tell me! Please, please, please, please!!

**Bella: **My mom got remarried to this guy named Dill, er, Phil—I think he resembles a pickle—and he's a minor league baseball player and he travels a lot so one time at this no-tell-motel I accidentally walked in on them when they were, uh, well, I'll never see pop tarts the same way and so I shipped myself here for my own mental health and my sanity and so that my mom wouldn't have to worry about someone just appearing at the door way during one of her…sessions. But little did I know that staying with them and traveling with them like a fun little circus was actually an option because I so would have stayed.

Edward stares at her like she just stood on the desk and sang CaramellDansen—the speedycake version. YouTube that, guys, it's funny.

**Bella: **You have no idea.

Insert random close-up of one of Edward's eyes and his cheek and some of the window behind him.

**Edward: **Okay…

By this point, Bella has hijacked the Golden Onion—

**Mr. Molina: **WHOOOOOO!!

**Director: **(blade)

**Mr. Molina: **(Screams)

—and is carrying it down the hall, talking.

**Bella: **Did you get contacts?

**Edward: **(Shifty eyes thinking: SHE KNOWS!) I look dorky in glasses….Gotta pee.

Edward runs/walks/twitches off the scene awkwardly.

**END SCENE**

**Scene 9**

This guy is standing in a factory in the middle of nowhere. Screw what the factory makes or whatever—that's irrelevant…but then again, so is half this story…

**Director: **…

So, moving on. These killer vamps, like, totally shank him, the random guy…is he the one that forgot to feed…oh…God…

**Random Guy: **Ahhhhh!

**Vampires: **Munch munch munch.

**END SCENE**

**Scene 10**

Charlie pulls in with her truck and Bella slips on the ice that mysteriously formed in…what? Late march? Early April?

**Charlie: **I put new tires on blah blah blah…

Insert some corny sentimental father-daughter crap here.

**END SCENE**

**-x-x-x-x-**

**Wanna know WHY I hate the movie? Visit my blog, www. meizirkEd. Blogspot. Com (without the spaces). It's the post at the top of the page.**


	3. Scenes 11 to 15

**Sorry it's late. I've been having problems at home. Anyways, I have seen the movie twice now (and didn't pay for either of them.) So now I'm refreshed. And if I can find my notes, then you may get another chapter before Christmas. Personally, these are a few of my favorite scenes that I've written.**

**I'd like you all to thank my friend Kelsey because she asks for more Spoof everyday and e-mails me a few times. So, THANK HER!**

**Anyways, just a random note about the weather—I HATE IT HERE! It's 70 degrees in North Carolina! WTF?! I'm wearing SHORTS! I mean, yeah, when I moved here from Jersey I was tols that short-sleeved shirts in winter was allowable but not SHORTS! My neighbors pulled out an inflatable pool the other day…crazy…**

**-x-x-x-x-**

**Disclaimer: Have I been putting these up? Well, thank the Lord I don't own the Twilight movie or the books. Though, if I did, the movie wouldn't suck as much as it does…maybe it's just karma…I wonder if Stephenie has killed anyone….O.o**

**-x-x-x-x-**

**Scene 11**

Bella is standing by her car. She spots Edward far, far away. Tyler's car comes around the corner and slips on the mysterious ice. You gotta watch that stuff, it always gets me in the summer…Edward suddenly appears and pushes the car away.

**Edward: **The power of vamps repels you!

Edward does a barrel roll and runs away.

**END SCENE**

**SCENE 12**

Charlie appears at the hospital.

**Charlie: **BELLA?!?!

**Bella: **In here.

**Charlie: **Oh thank god! (Suffocates her, then turns to Tyler.)

**Tyler: **Dude, I'm so sorry. I mean, my car was just attracted to that ass of yours…

**Charlie: **YOU'RE DEAD! I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR FACE OFF AND FEED IT TO MY CAT!

**Bella: **(Calmly) We don't have a cat…

**END SCENE**

**Scene 13**

Mike approaches Bella and says something about prom but she doesn't hear him much.

**Bella: **Just go ask Jessica, 'kay? I'm going to Jacksonville that weekend—even though nothing was said about WHICH weekend…I'm going to Jacksonville every weekend until prom is over.

**Mike: **(shrugs) Aight…

LATER ON AT THE PLACE OF THEIR FIELD TRIP…

Bella is walking and Edward approaches her.

**Edward: **So what's in Jacksonville?

**Bella: **How'd you know about that? Are you stalking me?!

Edward remains silent.

**Edward: **You didn't answer my question…

**Bella: **You don't answer mine…

**Edward: **Adrenaline…Google it. I did…

**Bella: **…

**Edward: **I know I'm being a meanie face, but I'm sorry. It's better this way.

Jessica interrupts and dada blada blah…

**END SCENE**

**Scene 14**

Bella walks into the cafeteria and meets her friends at the table.

**Mike: **Wanna go?

**Bella: **Go where?

**Jessica: **The beach.

**Bella:** There's a beach?

**Mike: **It's up in La Push. So please please please please please please please please—

**Bella: **I'll go if you shut up. (Proceeds to salad bar, arranging fruits and vegetables OCD-like)

**Edward: **We are the pirates who don't do anything.

**Bella: **What?

**Edward: **Veggi tales. Your food…

**Bella: **Huh?

**Edward: **Never mind…

**Bella: **Your mood swings are giving me heartburn…

**Edward: **I apologized…

**Bella: **Well, it's all just a mask…(insert deep meaning behind his behavior which is just a string of big words to make it seem deeper than it actually is…)

**Edward: **…

**Bella: **Will you just tell me the truth?

**Edward: **I'd rather hear your theories.

**Bella: **Well, I've come up with Chemical X, and cats named Luna and Artemis with magical sticks…

**Eric: **I promise you…his stick isn't that great.

**Bella: ** Malchik gay…

Note: "Malchik Gay" is the name of a song by t.A.T.u. (YouTube it!) and the title in English means "Gay Boy"

**Edward: **OKAY! So it was _one time_…jeez…you get a little drunk…never hunt in the zoo…

**Scene 15**

Bella is sitting on the edge of a van slash truck looking vehicle eating what looks like a twizzler.

**Alice:** Wait…HEY! WHO GAVE BELLA TWIZZLERS?!

**Emmett:** -laughs maniacally and runs for life-

Okay, and she is talking to Angela, Mike and Jessica.

**Angela:** Oh, pity me! I'm so insecure!

**Jessica:** Maybe it's the fact that you're so skinny people mistake you for the asian version of that skeleton in biology?

**Angela:** Meanie…I wanna ask Tyler out.

**Bella:** That hoe that tried to run me down with his car? Ask him out first. (Thinking to self) Then I won't have to rape him on prom night…

**Jacob:** YO, BELLA?! What up?

**Bella:** Guys—

**Angela:** I'm not a guy.

**Bella:** Yes you are, shut up. This is Jacob.

**Jessica:** Lolz, Bella invited Cullen today.

**Mike:** Ewwie! That guy's scary!

**Angela:** No it's not, I think it was sweet.

**Randomfriend of Jacob's (Sam??) 1:** Cullen's no come here.

**Randomfriend of Jacob's (Quil or Embry??) 2:** Tiger perched on bigger tiger.

**Jacob: **Come on guys, cut it out. You aren't REAL Indians…

**END SCENE**


	4. Scenes 16 to 20

ALRIGHTY!! So far, very few flames (I'm weeding out the informed people apparently. You can tell who reads BOOKS and who reads Twilight ONLY…). Me, I'm a book whore—I get around :D

Anyways, sorry it has been so long. I'd forgotten what happened in the movie, but then my cable box broke and we somehow tapped into someones DVR or something and they were playing it so I got to see it with my dad. Who loves Alice and says she's the only one who could really act from what he could tell…he said Edward is "one ugly dude" and I concur (is ready for a new round of flames). I'll say it again:

I THINK ROBERT PATTISON IS ERY VERY UGLY.

Now back to your regularly scheduled progam…

------------------------

**Scene 16**

Bella and Jacob are walking down the beach.

**Bella:** What did that one dude mean?

**Jacob:** Uh…he likes to think of himself as a tiger.

**Bella: **Not that silly willy. I mean, "Cullen's no come here"?

**Jacob: **Wow, you're smart. You catched that? You IS brainy…I'm not supposed to say anything about it. They'll raep me.

**Bella: **Rape you?

**Jacob: **No, they'll raep me. Big difference.

**Bella: **I can keep a secret.

**Jacob: **(eyeing Bella) I'll bet you could. What size are you REALLY?

**Bella: **What size are YOU??

**Narrator: **WHAT THE—

(Director glares)

**Jacob: **It's just an old scary story…

**Bella: **Scary how?

**Jacob: **DON'T YELL AT ME I DON'T LIKE IT!

**Bella: **Jac—

**Jacob: **I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE!!

(Other kids run by, reaping one another)

**Bella: **I'll rape you.

**Jacob: **I'm a wolf, he's a vamp. THERE I SAID IT!!

End scene

**Scene 17**

Random Dude C is chillin in a boat peeling taters. Did anyone catch Optimus Prime on Dave Letterman? He said he likes taters…

**Random Dude C: **(singing) The other side, the other side, I want you to see…

Victoria jumps down from the ceiling.

**Victoria: **Bitch, I KNOW you are not singing Hannah Montana.

**Random Dude C: **ZOMG A TALKING MUFFIN!!

**James: **Gimme your jacket.

**Victoria: **STOP SINING HANNAH MONTANA!

**Random Dude C: **We're all in—

**Victoria: **Don't EVEN start with High School Musical I willshove a towel down your throat, wait for it to absorb and then rip your organs out through your mouth!!

**Laurent: **Victoria, just eat the damn thing…

**Victoria: **(pouts) I don't want it anymore.

**James: **MINE!! (rips jacket off Random Guy C)

End Scene

**Scene 18**

Jessica is sitting on top of a table outside with Bella.

**Jessica: **The Cullen's aren't here.

**Bella: **They ditch?

**Jessica: **No. But I swear they're like vampires or something. Burn in the sun…

**Bella: **(laughs) Vampires don't burn in the sun…

**Jessica: **REAL ones do…

Angela runs up.

**Angela: **Oh em gee I asked Eric to the prom.

**Jessica: **What kind of loser asks the guy?

**Bella: **I think it's great. (To Angela) You are a strong, powerful woman…

**Jessica: **See…Anyways, I need a dress. Angela, we must go SHOPPING in PORT ANGELES.

**Bella: **Wait…you think I'm a loser?

**Jessica: **SHOPPING in PORT ANGELES.

**Bella: **OH right…Can I come?

**Angela: **Sure.

**Jessica: **Someone has to check out meh boobies…

End Scene

**Scene 19**

Jessica and Angela are trying on dresses while Bella sits by looking bored to tears. Why the hell is she there—(narrator is pwned by flying script)

**Director: **DO NOT USE LOGIC!!

**Jessica: **I like this one…but I'm not sure about the one strap thing…

**Angela: **You dumb fuck. That has TWO straps. Count with me—ONE…TWO…

**Bella: **I'm boooooooooooored…

**Jessica: **IN A MINUTE.

**Bella: **I'm huuuuuungry…

**Jessica: **IMMA HARM YOU!

Jessica tries on a pink dress.

**Jessica: **Okay, I like this one. It makes meh boobies look good…

**Guy in Window: ** HOLY SHIT I'VE GONE BLIND!!!

**Bella: **I'll admit it. I was just using you for a ride so I can go get this sex book without my dad knowing.

End Scene

**Scene 20**

Bella is walking down steps, heading home, when she spots a guy at the end of the sketchy ally. Honestly, why is she there? It screams RAPE to—(narrator is pwned by directors chair)

**Director: **NO RAEP…no raep…

**Bella: **Oh no…human contact…RUN..

Bella walks away, going a different way but ends up surrounded by drunkards. Edward comes up and nearly hits them all with his car.

**Edward: **Get in the car…

**Bella: **Raep…?

**Edward: **GET IN THE CAR!!

**Bella: **Yes ma'am….

Edward uses the power of the vamps to repel the drunkards and then gets in his car and drives away.

End Scene


End file.
